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I wrote this on Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 3:57am
As I walked through a desert I came upon an oasis, where I found a wonder of the world. I looked upon it in awe, yet my feet still had steps in them. I wondered on knowing I should stay, yet fearful of what I might discover at the oasis and curious about the rest of the desert I walked on.
As I walked through this desert I faced new adventures upon countless dunes, Each dune shaped like a semi circle. Upon each adventure, trough every trial and fight I was dimly aware that there were parts of the dunes I couldn’t see, surely they made whole circles somewhere beyond my sight. Sometimes through my weary mind I could see the outlines of the circles, could see the parts unseen.
Soon I grew tired of the desert, and then one night as I gazed into the stars, throwing my thoughts and energy into hopes of a land with water, a land with real adventures, a land that would care for me as I walked upon it, an angel came to me and gave me a map I could only half understand.
“A dune for the dunes you have walked” it said
Quizzically I started at it as it stared beyond me.
It continued in a monotone:
“You have seen much from the small portion of the desert you have wandered, Yet what you needed to see most you walked past. You know of what I speak, you did not know that each time you gazed upon it you would see more than you ever could by walking this desert. I know you wish to return, this map shall lead you there. However, there is more to the map, just as there are more to the dunes”
“There is always more than we can see” I replied
“Then may what you see hold you when you can see it no longer, May it hold you while the ground holds your feet, may it comfort you as the air freezes your soul, may it hold you while the sun melts away your flesh”
A pause followed by a crack of thunder, as rain began to fall from the sky as if the sky was rain all along.
“When your soul is frozen and your body gone may it hold you yet till it returns and holds your soul with a warmth unexplainable.”
Darkness overcame me.
I awoke at the oasis, in front of me the greatest wonder of the world was mine to behold and claim as my own once more. For a short burst of infinity I enjoyed the bliss of the oasis, yet I climbed to the top of the tree there. From this tree I could see as far as my eyes would allow me. I realized, that surely I stood upon a dune now, and even if I didn’t, surely the desert was the same as the dunes that it consisted of, surely it too was a circle. I climbed down, this new knowledge a burden on my body and mind. I slept.
For a time I simply enjoyed bliss, until I was caught off guard by a sand storm. So thick and harsh was the storm that I felt the world spin around me, I felt the small grains peeling at my skin, digging deep, creating holes in my mind body and soul. I wept, and apparently I slept.
I slept through the longest night, the coldest night I had ever known. For once I did not dream of a world of life and wonder. No, that night I dreamed of clowns and jesters. They threw open their arms, welcoming me back into their ranks. This time I wore a new mask, a new face of paint. This one was not one of a knight. This one was not uncaring. It was a careless pain free clown. A smile it wore. I saw it all in the reflection of the queens eyes. I saw her need, I saw her pain, and I saw myself for what I really am. I am a jester, a tool for her pleasure, I was never a loyal knight, never an adventure, never a prince. To realize you are so much less, and still want to be more…not even the tears of such a pain could harm my mask, my paint would not run.
“THIS IS HOW IT MUST BE!” the angel boomed.
With its voice I was aware again, my body lay in the desert, yet I was still not awake. I could see reality, my dream, my reality, all that was and all that would never be.
I was aware like never before: I saw the dunes, each I had crossed, each fight I had won and lost, each step I treaded. I saw the other ends of the circles. I saw how they were all connected, like an intricately woven fabric. I realized then that everything was connected, everything I had done and will yet do predetermined the outcome. I knew all this and all It made me do was realize there was YET MORE I DID NOT KNOW! I could see the map, yet there was not a path marked or unmarked, all roads lead to nowhere and everywhere. Like a child I cried again.
I awoke in tears, there was pain, but it was not for that I cried. The angel held me steady.
“You must not cry. You must not stop. Your task is to walk. You must walk until you can walk the desert no more. You must walk until you have no feet upon which to stand. Yet still you must move. The desert needs your feet to walk across it. You must burden it’s wrath, you must burden its cold tears at night. You must walk into int’s cold harsh winds. You must stand and let it’s relentless sun beat on you.”
“WHY?!” I demanded
“You saw too much, it cost you too little. The desert recognized you as a worthy opponent and companion, for that it gave you a peace offering. You continued on, demanding more of the desert. So now the deal is off, this is war between you and the desert and you marched into the enemy’s base and let your guard down, the desert knows what you want now. It knows it has it, knows it controls wither or not you can have it. It is going to beat you. It will use your body, mind, and soul against you until you are beyond death. You will be unrecognizable. You will want to die. You will wish you never existed at all. But if you keep existing, you may yet get to see the oasis again. This is what you want, the wonder of the world, that is what you desire, correct?”
Hope numbed all the pain and my tears stopped flowing.
The angel let out a guttural roar.
“FOOL! I KNOW THAT IS WHAT YOU WAN BUT YOU MUST NOT HOPE FOR IT! THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THE DAMNED, THIS WAR IS LOST TO YOU AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS HOPE THAT YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO ENJOY YOUR DEATH AND LOSS.”
It began to cry.
“Damn your hope. Damn your courage. Damn your perseverance. GO! WALK YOUR KINGDOM YOU FALSE KING! GO AND WALK IT UNTIL YOU KNOW THE LAND BETTER THAN IT KNOWS YOU ONCE MORE. WALK UNTIL YOU ARE A PART OF THE PLACE YOU TAINTED WITH YOUR FEET. BLEED UPON IT UNTIL YOU CHANGE IT TO THE COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD. THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT AND TRIAL FOR YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN JUDGED.”
I stood.
“walk you fool. Walk into your death before I kill you out of pity.Remember, the more you hope, the more it will hurt when you realize you never stood a chance.”
I walked.
I lost track of days and nights. It became hot and cold. Soon that too faded. The last wind I ever felt carried the angels voice.
“If you get to the oasis, the waters might not even be able to heal your wounds, you know this and yet you walk. Truly, we, I am, was, and always will be a fool.”
So I already knew how this adventure will end. I had seen the circle. I had walked this dune one time already. I know I will see mirages, I will think I have become victorious through my insanity of repetition.
Yet I can’t help but hope, perhaps the desert will change it’s mind. Perhaps it will forgive me. Perhaps I will get to claim the wonder as my own one day. Damn my hope indeed.
